Awesome Senior Portrait Day!!!

The Trampoline : Dude, I'm all for the cool, artistic senior portrait poses, but let's leave this shot to the girls in cheerleader uniforms. And what's with the hand? Is that your gang sign, esse? But I still think your band is totally rad!










The Tree Pose: Ok, I get it...you LOVE nature! Good luck with that Environmental Conservation major at Wellesley College. Jesus, couldn't you have found a straighter tree or is this just a ploy to hide the back brace?










The Nerd: Actually, I here this shit is coming back into style, but it's time to put down the new Weezer cd and start researching the Lasik. And besides, Rivers Cuomo sucks now anyways. C'mon..."Beverly Hills"...what the fuck is that? It's just not where I want to be.










The Cap Pose: School pride is one thing, but give me a break! In all fairness, this picture will go very well on the wall of your sorority. And what's with the white gown...are you a Waukesa County snow princess or something?













The Open Face Sandwich: Sweet man, looks like you got some serious pecs under there! Let's just hope you live in Hawaii with that shirt or I guarantee you are getting a daily ass beating.












The Kitten/Cowboy Hat Combo: Wow, where to start with this one?!! I mean, the kitty is cute and all, but letting everyone know that you think rodeos are awesome is your first big mistake. Wouldn't have been better to pose with your french horn or something?







The Peach Fuzz: Step right up, ladies...we've got the makeout king of Souix Falls High taking numbers! He can do things with that stache that would put Ron Jeremy to shame. Future forecast: 1 year of vocational school and then straight to jail for robbing the local Pump & Munch.









The Cinderella: Does this background remind any of you of something? You got it, this dude is posing at the Cinderella room at the Fanta-Suites in Burnsville. I wonder if those lockers are real or just painted on the wall? Nothing says hard hitting football action like a nice a castle stone archway! Just terrible.










The Roadhouse: Look, I loved "Roadhouse" just as much as the next guy (especially when Patrick Swayze ripped out that guy's layrnx with his bare hand!), but this self-serving macho shit has GOT TO GO! Who does this guy think he is, Ashton Kutcher?!

It would've been way cooler if he had gone for the Johnny Castle look from "Dirty Dancing"...cuz nobody puts baby in the corner.

And what ever happened to that memorial ice cream "Cherry Orbach" that Ben & Jerry's were gonna do?







The Pink Floyd Denim: Is this a guy or girl? I really have no fucking clue. All I know is that the lead singer from Great White called and wants his hair back. And isn't this the exact same pose that Maverick did for Top Gun?












Daddy's Little Girl: Oh, all this horseback riding has gotten me so hot. I should take off my shirt.

Can we hurry this photo thing up...I've got cheerleading practice and then Chip is taking me to the movies tonight. There's a midnight showing of Varsity Blues...it's our favorite. We've watched it together like a million times. We are totally getting married, you know.








The Tron Trifecta: Oh Julia, what the fuck were you thinking?! This "Hi Tech" look might have worked in the 80's, but not in 2002. And look, there are 3 of you! How cute! This would be way better if you had light cycles racing down the red neon. End of line.





The Frater: Is that a little campfire you got going down there, buddy? Oh I get it, you are so hot and strong that you are able to able to create spontaneous flames! And nice barbed wire arm tat! I'm sure Beta Gamma Pi has a beer bong full of Coors Light waiting for you.










The Ross: Now I don't drive, but is an Acura really that cool of a car? No, I don't think it is. And how did you get it so glinty? It must've taken hours to get the sun light to hit it so perfectly.









The John Mayer: This reminds me of a half-assed attempt to be Slash in the "November Rain" video...you the one with the sweet solo on top of the mountain and then he throws his guitar and it explodes. But instead of Slash, it's John Mayer. And instead of throwing his guitar, he gently strumming it to some indigo girls song. Fucking poser.








The Senior: Nope, not a freshman, nor a sophomore. This guy's not even a junior. I'll give you one guess. Where do they find these props, the gigantic staple store?

















The Bow-Tie: Good lord, is the circus in town?












The Castle Prison: No one is coming to save you, jerkoff. No one. Who comes up with this shit?



















The Same-Shirt-Color-As-The-Background: All I see is your head and your arm, you idiot.












The Rain Moppet: Here's some advice: Always bring an umbrella to the photo shoot if it's raining out. It's really just that simple. And what do have to be so happy about, smiley.

We Are All Satan's People

Now normally I don't think there is anything much funnier than what we currently have going on this blog (except for lately you've all gone mute on me), but you have to check this out...courtesy of Mr. Watts.

Now people, why...WHY don't we have this caliber of material going on here? I'm starting to think that Mr. Toad's Wild Ride is coming to an end. I'm starting to feel like I'm in high school again with the scholiosis (full neck brace and all) and no one would talk to me.

Madison

Yo, peeps! Sorry the blog hasn't been updated very much recently. I blame it on Pure Energy, whose lack of responsibility is equivalent of the time he failed to save me while drowning in a Puerto Rican pool. But, on the flip side, I'll be moving to Madison on Sunday and will have lots of free time on my hands to entertain you fools. Let me break down my schedule for next week (and the weeks to come):

Monday: Look for job and fail. Move into Max's condo and mooch off of him relentlessly. Pray to God he still likes me after that time I tried to donkey punch him in the bathroom during the 4th of July fireworks show on his patio. Smoke a bonger and then make a sandwich on rye. Give myself a massage for all the hard moving work I did.

Tuesday: Wake up at nooner. Look for a job again and fail. Consider going back to REM and working with the non-talking, fist-punching, loud moaning crazies. Figure out the bus schedule to get to East-Towne mall, as I need to replace the tv I already broke at Max's place. Tuesday night is GAME NIGHT, invite over Neums, Steve, Melanie, B.J., and Kelly over to Max's at 1:00 am for some TP or Beans. Wake up Max and Emily. Laughter ensues. (GAME NIGHT will alternate every week with POKER NIGHT)

Wednesday: Take job at REM making $8.00 an hour. Consider killing self. Ponder why I even moved to Madison in the first place. Show up at kojo's work with a picnic lunch. Bust in on important meeting saying, "HOLY FUCK, you wouldn't believe how awesome this potato salad is" and then get escorted out of the building by security. Ask Max and Emily if they could re-paint my room because yellow just doesn't do it for me and is kinda sissy. Wednesday Night is DINNER NIGHT, invite over friends again, make everyone bring a dish to pass around. I bring a half-eaten bowl of green Jello that I made on Monday. (DINNER NIGHT will alternate every week with COCKTAIL NIGHT)

Thursday: Wake up early at 10:30. Go to REM training. Decide I don't want to work there and get an application at Qdoba instead. Say hi to Neums while picking up application. Walk down State Street looking for The Den or Radical Rye. Can't find them and start to cry. The mushrooms I ate start to kick in. Go to Walgreens and steal some candy. Can't find way back to Max's place and end up at the Lakeshore Dorms handing Sweet Tarts to college freshmen. Thursday night is MOVIE NIGHT, get everyone together to shoot a movie like in the olden days. Get really drunk while taping "Pimpomercial 2: Electric Pimpaloo" and fall down stairs, breaking camera. (MOVIE NIGHT does not continue in to weeks 2 or 3).

Friday: After waking in my own vomit, Max and Emily decide to have a talk with me. I yell at them and say, "Oh I have a drinking problem...I have a a drinking problem" Leave condo in angry huff. Call Steve and ask if I can crash on his couch, but then realize he has no tv. Call kojo and leave 30 messages on her voicemail to take me back. Find liquor store and start brown-baggin'. Call Todd and asks if he want to come up and go shopping at Ragstock with me. Friday Night is BOWLING NIGHT. Get together with my bowling league and try to come up with a super hilarious name for our team. After my idea of "Corporal Pinishment" gets shot down, I leave Shwelger's and walk to the nearest Super 8.

Saturday: Start job a Qudoba and get fired for burning the rice. Sell ipod for bus ticket. Hope on Greyhound back to Minneapolis.

Ground Control to Major Rob

I think I've found out what Pure Energy has been doing with his time, since he ain't been bloggin'! Stop Dawg Muffin the Puerto Rican ass and join the group.

It's totally that dude from Extreme...SWEET!

Calling all patriots, I've found your new leader. If you love your country, then you must love Dennis. I was going to start a new list of the "Hardest Rockers in Rock", but after seeing this guy, I was left speechless. This guy rocks harder than my clonebot of David Lee Roth, Bret Micheals, and that one dude from Queensryche that I'm building in my mom's basement (pictures of that soon). Stand proud, stand tall, stand with your gigantic plantinum steel balls in the air, cuz it just doesn't rock any harder than this.

Runner Up: This guy (sorry the link wasn't working) http://www.abum.com/?show_media=2125

Also, I wanted to share a little fantasy of mine with all of you. Lately, I've been having these dreams of getting my groove on near the mouth of a giant whale...well, I now know I'm not alone. Check this out and go to the Moby Dick one (actually, they are all pretty classy). Sadly enough, I've really wanted to do one of these...call me a dork, but I think I'm going to have to go with Moon Lander. You know, baby, so I can take you to the moon!

Please post comments with your choice of room. I know Pure Energy will pick Castle or Cinderella...he was always a bit of a sally.

Now, if you want in on the real Fantasy, you are going to have to sign up by Friday...I want to get the draft going and there have been too many hold-outs...I'm looking at you again, PE. So, as my good friend/pimp Brad Neuman once said, "Get On It!"

Kill Me...Kill Me Now!

Last night, after I finished up a good night of drinking and puking, I was channel surfing through mindless infomercials (the Abs by Jake one continues to haunt) and Tony Robbins wanna-bes. Startlingly, I came across one of the worst things I've ever seen in my life. I know Shawn and Shabab will probably fucking love this because it sounds exactly like "Fly" by Sugar Ray, but I was mortified. I'll let you all judge for yourself, but if this is the state of music these days, I mine as well just kill myself.

I'm off for the weekend again, but I'll be back in a few days. Also, whoever wants to do the FF, please get on it.

"Leonard Part 6" Spoiler Alert!!!

Courtesy of Pure Energy (see...I'm giving you credit...aren't I nice?), eveyone must check this shit out. Never have I seen such a collection of wonderfulness!

Hey Now, You're A Blogstar! Get Your Game On!

Wow, this shit fell together worse than that night I was trying to get the Fab Four girls into a fivesome. People, I was only gone for a week...can't you entertain yourselves?

It's appears that this post needs a little glue...and less (way less) pink taco references. Look, if you need to dumpster diving for comedy because your originality consists of finding the crudest thing on the internet, you need to stop fumbling with your nuts, purify yourself in the waters of Lake Minnetonka, and come up with something better. It's turned into a cockfight that no one is winning, and we are all getting sprayed with the blood. People aren't posting because they've lost interest - most likely due to the fact that they are constantly reading about Pure Energy's need to drill his computer. Ok, with that said (and I'm sure comments forthcoming), let's move on to the day's business.

In case some of you didn't know, my B-day was on Sunday...now that I'm 29, I felt the need to reflect...on dancing hotness. Last week, I get to spend a beautiful weekend at kojo's cabin and felt the need to do some improvisational move bustin'. Here is a perfect example of my ability to RAWK (or not...you decide). It will take a few minutes to load...so be patient, Mr. and Ms. Clicky Fingers. And it wouldn't kill you to post something either.

Before I get to my top 5 AWESOME 80's Albums...I'm doing a new list: They Are Hot, and Cancelled!

Time to Place Your Votes People...on a scale of 1 (absolute ugly) to 10 (absolute inferno)

Monica Keena from "Freddy vs. Jason" - Hot girl who originally starred on that Fox show "Undeclared" (does anyone remember this one? Didn't think so.) and has done nothing of value since (except Freddy vs. Jason, of course)...and perhaps that's why I like her, because unlike Sarah Michelle Gellar, Jessica Simpson, Britney Beers, or (can't believe I'm saying this) JLH, no one knows who she is. That makes her just like
that pretend girl I used to date up in the International Falls area.

Can't beat this heat, scorchie!

Score: 8.75

Cynthia Watros from "Titus" (Again, no recollection I'm sure) - Another hot girl who has done nothing since her stint on Fox. Unsure if I like her with long hair or short... I'll let the girls decide. The level of heat coming off of this one burns like that dude from Survivor who fell in the fire.

Score: 9


Tiffini Amber Theissen from "Fastlane"...but most of us know her as Kelly Kaposwski from "Saved by the Bell" or that one bitchy chick from "90210"- It looks like her luck ran out too "fast" when she went down this "lane"...but, it did also star Peter Facinelli, who's the most awesomness part of "Can't Hardly Wait" - I can't believe they let this picture go as a publicity photo...and WHERE WAS IT WHEN I WAS 16!

Lukewarm now...like milk on the beach.

Score: 5.67

Ok, that's all I can think of right now. Please feel free to add more, but remember they have to have been on a show that ran less than 2 years.