Top 5 Ugliest (and Most Annoying)
Ok, before I can post my opposing views about "Alone in the Dark" (Really the worst movie ever made was "I Spit On Your Grave"), I must first finish with my Top 5.
5. Helen Hunt - After her stint on that terrible tv show "Mad About You" (co-starring Paul Reiser, who I also hate, but shit, he WAS in "Aliens"), Helen decided to try her hand at feature films. Classics such as "Dr. T and the Women," "Twister," and "Pay it Forward" all showed her true acting ability: The same exact horrible, dull character she played on "Mad About You"...go figure. Not only is she a terrible actress, her forhead can be used as table to feed a family of six. Nothing makes me shudder more than to think that there are actually fake nudes of her on the internet...ugh! Why do you torture me internet...WHY!!!!!! Quick, I need a nudie of Alyssa Milano before corneas fall out!
4. Hilary Swank - Oh boy, here's another winner. Not only did she fall from the ugly tree, she proceeded to cut it down with her gigantic beaver teeth. Poor Chad Lowe, first he has to deal with that fact that his brother is way more successful than him, and now he has to wake up next to this man-beast everyday. How does someone who starred as a comedy prop to the hilarious Steve Sanders on "90210" become a multi-Oscar winner? Beats the fuck out of me. I mean "Boys Don't Cry" was a total rip-off of that that other funny cross-dressing movie "Just One of the Guys"...and that one had boobies!
3. Marc Anthony - Grotesque. He's like a poor-man's Steve Buscemi. Who would've thought that J. Lo would go from Benifer to this stooge? He looks like he just crawled out of some ore mine in Mexico and hasn't eaten in weeks. I just recently had to suffer through "Man on Fire," where he has his shirt off through half the movie and Good Lord, it was disgusting. This guy literally has NO ass, which I guess then equals out with J. Lo boot-iserie, so they must be a good match. Eat a sandwich or something, dillweed. And those glasses look ridiculous on you, hasn't anyone ever told you that...you look like Thelma from Scooby-Doo. You need to hire a new PR person immediately...is it just me or does this guy constantly look like a bobblehead?
2. Match.com Guys - Holy Fucking Balls! I thought the selection of woman was bad! I mean, C'MON, dudes. Get out of your parent's basement, take a shower, and make yourself presentable. Ok, first guy (is that you, Neums?)...looks like he could be a chummy fellow...and he also looks like he would hold you hostage at gunpoint and shove Pez dispensers up your ass. I hear that movie "Leprechaun Part 8" is looking for some stunt doubles...Next guy: Ok, unibrow, you gotta shave that shit. No respecting girl gets all wet from the sight of a black catepillar running across your forehead. And stop with the tanning booths...Jesus! Last dude: What the fuck are you, a mongoloid from the 16th century? I said look at me! Look at me, damn it!!!! I've got nothing...except the deep desire to pose as some girl on Match who is seemingly interested in him, only to have him find out it was a joke and then kill himself. Now that would be awesome!!!
And now for #1
1. Lili Taylor - Ok, this right is only reserved for the absolute ugliest person in the world (and most annoying). Lili Taylor is a looks like she was given birth by one of those characters from "Dark Crystal" who was impregnated by Wilford Brimley. This girl is straight up Quaker Oats granola in every movies she's been in...and I CAN NOT stand her. The worst had to be for me her character on "Six Feet Under," ("Nate, can you go to Whole Foods for me?") where her character as Lisa had me this close to putting a razor to the wrist (I'm showing a few inches with my index finger and thumb). Finally she bit it on the show, but I still had to endure one more horrible extravagana - the movie "The Haunted"...Now for those of you who have not seen it, consider yourselves lucky by no stretch of the imagination. Half the movie she walks around possessed by something, garbling, "I must save the children...I gotta save the children" ...I...can...say...no...more...memory...to...painful. It's just horrible and I don't want to talk about it anymore. And Lili, I never want to see you in anything ever again, capiche?
Sorry, sorta ran out of steam there at the end...my brain is fried like a crispy McNugget. But I would love to hear comments or contributions regarding other ugly people. My next list: Shit I Just Don't Get, like boob tatoos and corn mazes.
5. Helen Hunt - After her stint on that terrible tv show "Mad About You" (co-starring Paul Reiser, who I also hate, but shit, he WAS in "Aliens"), Helen decided to try her hand at feature films. Classics such as "Dr. T and the Women," "Twister," and "Pay it Forward" all showed her true acting ability: The same exact horrible, dull character she played on "Mad About You"...go figure. Not only is she a terrible actress, her forhead can be used as table to feed a family of six. Nothing makes me shudder more than to think that there are actually fake nudes of her on the internet...ugh! Why do you torture me internet...WHY!!!!!! Quick, I need a nudie of Alyssa Milano before corneas fall out!
4. Hilary Swank - Oh boy, here's another winner. Not only did she fall from the ugly tree, she proceeded to cut it down with her gigantic beaver teeth. Poor Chad Lowe, first he has to deal with that fact that his brother is way more successful than him, and now he has to wake up next to this man-beast everyday. How does someone who starred as a comedy prop to the hilarious Steve Sanders on "90210" become a multi-Oscar winner? Beats the fuck out of me. I mean "Boys Don't Cry" was a total rip-off of that that other funny cross-dressing movie "Just One of the Guys"...and that one had boobies!
3. Marc Anthony - Grotesque. He's like a poor-man's Steve Buscemi. Who would've thought that J. Lo would go from Benifer to this stooge? He looks like he just crawled out of some ore mine in Mexico and hasn't eaten in weeks. I just recently had to suffer through "Man on Fire," where he has his shirt off through half the movie and Good Lord, it was disgusting. This guy literally has NO ass, which I guess then equals out with J. Lo boot-iserie, so they must be a good match. Eat a sandwich or something, dillweed. And those glasses look ridiculous on you, hasn't anyone ever told you that...you look like Thelma from Scooby-Doo. You need to hire a new PR person immediately...is it just me or does this guy constantly look like a bobblehead? 
2. Match.com Guys - Holy Fucking Balls! I thought the selection of woman was bad! I mean, C'MON, dudes. Get out of your parent's basement, take a shower, and make yourself presentable. Ok, first guy (is that you, Neums?)...looks like he could be a chummy fellow...and he also looks like he would hold you hostage at gunpoint and shove Pez dispensers up your ass. I hear that movie "Leprechaun Part 8" is looking for some stunt doubles...Next guy: Ok, unibrow, you gotta shave that shit. No respecting girl gets all wet from the sight of a black catepillar running across your forehead. And stop with the tanning booths...Jesus! Last dude: What the fuck are you, a mongoloid from the 16th century? I said look at me! Look at me, damn it!!!! I've got nothing...except the deep desire to pose as some girl on Match who is seemingly interested in him, only to have him find out it was a joke and then kill himself. Now that would be awesome!!!And now for #1
1. Lili Taylor - Ok, this right is only reserved for the absolute ugliest person in the world (and most annoying). Lili Taylor is a looks like she was given birth by one of those characters from "Dark Crystal" who was impregnated by Wilford Brimley. This girl is straight up Quaker Oats granola in every movies she's been in...and I CAN NOT stand her. The worst had to be for me her character on "Six Feet Under," ("Nate, can you go to Whole Foods for me?") where her character as Lisa had me this close to putting a razor to the wrist (I'm showing a few inches with my index finger and thumb). Finally she bit it on the show, but I still had to endure one more horrible extravagana - the movie "The Haunted"...Now for those of you who have not seen it, consider yourselves lucky by no stretch of the imagination. Half the movie she walks around possessed by something, garbling, "I must save the children...I gotta save the children" ...I...can...say...no...more...memory...to...painful. It's just horrible and I don't want to talk about it anymore. And Lili, I never want to see you in anything ever again, capiche?Sorry, sorta ran out of steam there at the end...my brain is fried like a crispy McNugget. But I would love to hear comments or contributions regarding other ugly people. My next list: Shit I Just Don't Get, like boob tatoos and corn mazes.
posted by Blind Fury at
14:38
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