Time to Stop Talkin'...and Start Rawkin'!!!

People, we are at a blog-o-meter 10 right now...keep up the good work.

While strolling through CD Warehouse yesterday, I got to thinking about how much "classic" music has been stuffed between the "A"nimals to Frank "Z"appa categories, never to be heard by a generation of new listeners due to the fact that people think it sucks (And I'm not talking about Britney Beers or Justin Timberlodge Steakhouse either; not only do they fail to bring the paper and scissors, they are also totally void of rock). A generation that will never hear the real first "Unplugged" show by Tesla or the foundation-shattering, gravity-defying thump of Bobby Dall's bass. A generation now lost in the traces of indie rock, crappy nu-metal, or Alanis Morissette regurgitations. A generation that is missing the true essential histroy of riffology...the fucking 80's! Most of these classics have been sadly subjugated to Moster Ballad or Monsters of Rock compilations, but then they lose their true form. Today I plan to electrify your souls, and bring you my Top 10 80's Albums That Time Forgot!

10. Steelheart - Tangled in Reins: Ok, this one might be a little obscure for the kiddies out there, but trust me, these guys go to fucking 11 when it comes to crankin' it. Now, some of you may know them from their brief hit off their first album, "I'll Never Let You Go," a total puss ballad by most standards, but this sophmore barnburner shreds riffs like a fucking Cuisinart. The pipes of Mike Matijevic rival any cathedral organ and the guitar "Solo"ing makes me feel like Mario Van Peebles (get it Neums?).
Download: song called "Steelheart" (no, seriously...do it!) and "Late for the Party" (which makes reference to a girl standing in a corner hungry for a bone...sweet! Also has some tizz-ite Framton-style voice-box axing)

9. Bulletboys- Bulletboys: Although MetalSludge refers to these guys having small to average penises, you wouldn't know if by the gigantic amout of rawk they bring to this explosion of an album (just look at the cover!). Chock full of sex-driven hits like, "Hard as a Rock," "Smooth Up In Ya," and "Crank Me Up," it's no wonder these guys were my poster-children for trying to get laid in high school (which, by the way, never works for fat kids). Recently, the band hooked up with metal god Sebastian Bach to record their new album, Sophie...and from what I hear, it is going to start a fucking music revolution. Take that, 50 Cent.
Download: "Smooth Up In Ya" and "Shoot the Preacher Down"

8. Britny Fox - Britny Fox: These guys are like Britsh answer to AC/DC, except I don't think they are actually British...but does it matter? FUCK NO...because any 4 dudes who can wear Amadeus outfits and go through a crate of Aqua Net for a photo shoot HAVE to throw down in the Land of Rawkdom. And look at that metal-face font...that shit just scream rawk pain like a semi truck hitched to your testicles. Classics like "Girlschool" and "Rock Revolution" are like Zeus throwing lighting bolts down to Earth and hitting you smack in the goddamn face! This album rocks so hard, you could crank the bass on your stereo and they would fucking hear it in China!
Download: "Girlschool" (of course) and "Long Way to Love" (for the tender-hearted lover in all of us)

7. White Lion - Pride: Ok, I might take a hitter on this one for that fucking lame-ass "When the Children Cry" video...Jesus, what are they running here, a Sally Struthers telethon? I mean, philanthropic causes and the art of rawking go together like Pure Energy and the female gender, but in their defense, the rest of the album (especially that song "Wait") tore me a new one like a skyscraper erupting up my colon! From the kick-off starter of "Hungry" blazing all the way through "Tell Me," you'll see why these fuckers are the real kings of jungle...of RAWK!
Download: "Wait," "Sweet Little Loving," and "When the Children Cry" (if you are gay)

6. Poison - Flesh & Blood: Holy balls...I've been waiting for this one! I really don't need to say much about this album except to quote, "Like gasoline you want to pump me, and leave me when you get your fill, yeah" from the song "Unskinny Bop." (Ok, I'm tearing up a little over here). To try to explain how much this album rawks would really take hours, and I have to start packing to move, but let's just say:

• Bret - I actually own the Playgirl he was in...and I loved the Pam Anderson video where he is constantly looking at himself in the camera...damn, he's hot,
• C.C. - Best riff and solo combo ever: Tie- "I Want Action" and "Talk Dirty To Me"...C.C. pick up that guitar and talk to me!"...Oh shit, I just creamed myself,
• Ricki - Is it just me, or does this guy look like an older Corey Feldman?...who beats the skins like an fucking Incan tribal leader, and
• Bobby - Again the quiet one with the bass player, but this guy's thump-thump on "Unskinny Bop" gets me so excited that it makes me want to punch llamas like Swartznegger in Conan the Barbarian (if anyone can find a picture of this, please post it)...

...make up the rockingest bunch of rawkers this side of the 'Sippi. Now everyone kneel before them!

Download: "Unskinny Bop," "Something to Believe In," and the awesome "Poor Boy Blues"

Ok, I've got to sign off for a few days here and finish my Top 5 later...I must move back in with my mom because I'm homeless and poor.

Just wanted to leave you all with a quick list of Shit I Don't Get:

Abdominal Machines - Ok, this shit doesn't work. I've tried 3 different kinds and my stomach still looks like soft-serve on a summer day in Puerto Rico. I give up...and I hate that Abs by Jake guy...he makes me feel like I'm less of a man every day. Now, get these fucking Doritos away from me.

Boob Tats - Christ Almighty...nothing says "bang me over a toilet in the girl's bathroom of a 7-11" better than these. I just don't understand. You know what that is going to look like when you are 50? Fucking ridiculous, that's what. Did we not learn anything from Silly Putty? But I still think scrot tats are way cool! I want to get one of Ernest Borgnine's face on my sac. Then do a sac show remake of "The Johnathan Silverman Show"...remember, he was the doorman? You don't? Well then, screw you.

Corn Mazes (or Maizes...hahahaha, well crafted, you sly devil!) - For some reason, I alway do these things at night and everyone abandons me. Yeah, hilarious right? I emerge hours later, bloody with stalk pieces and corn niblets stuck randomly all over my body after stumbling through maze walls. I hate you all.

Hot Blind Chicks - For years, scientists have tried to uncover the mystery of hot blindness...yet it remains unsolved. Sightings are rare, so if you see one, be sure to get a shot with your camera phone. And then trip her.

Ok, guys and gals...I'll be back on in a week or so, I'm on vacation and shit. Happy posting, bitches!