Things That Piss Me Off

The Fact that Spencer didn't include Carrot Top, Bruce Vilanch or Joan Rivers in his Top 10 Ugliest - Duders, let's face it... you dropped the ball. The 1st half of the list was looking good, eg. Trolly McTrollerson, but the 2nd half was 100% Weak Sauce. How in the blazes could you have left out Carrot Top. This freak is the future of comedy? He looks like a coked out Lil' Orphan Annie with a botched nose job. Seriously, I would rather watch my parents have sex than sit through a Carrot Top show. You guys gotta be with me on this one.

Bruce Vilanch - Spencer... this one is a no brainer! I mean, you basically could have chosen 7 of the top ten ugliest straight from the Hollywood Squares roster - Shadoe Stevens, Bobcat Goldwait, Roseanne, Rosie O'Donnell, Gilbert Godfried. This show is loaded with falling "stars" on their way down, stuck between semi-fame and doing autograph sessions at Hardees grand openings. Look at this guy, is he famous for anything besides being "Bruce Vilanch for the block". He looks like the like the love child of a botox-binged Melanie Griffith and Captain Caveman.

Joan Rivers - Man... I think that it is pretty much common knowledge that women that are 138 should not look like this. She's been in the entertainment industry since before there were talkies, she shouldn't still be alive. She's gotta be part android. Could be, because this picture it doesn't even look like she has eyes. It's bad enough that she looks like a sibling of Cat Man but what's worse is the fact that in Nevada there is a legion of men that make a living doing impressions of her. We live in a sick, sick world.


Blue Tooth Cellphone Headsets - I don't know if this phenomenon has hit your hometown yet but it sure is the hot shit in New York. An earpiece the size of a raisin that wirelessly connects to your cellphone... and makes it virtually impossible to see that you are actually on your phone. Everyday I run into about 8 people talking to themselves, flailing their arms about and walking in circles. About half of these people are truely insane, the other half are talking on their fucking awesome wireless headsets. Walking around shouting about how "Marva is such a bitch for eating my leftovers (actual conversation I overheard)" and throwing around hand gestures like a ninja doesn't make you look cool, it makes you look insane. Maybe it's just me, but I don't think that it is worth paying $200 to have people confuse you with the neighborhood crazy that eats shit. When I walk down the street here I already have enough crazy people that I run into - The guy that sits against my building and pees down his left pant leg, the Mexican guy with the mullet that wears a superhero mask that covers his eyes and calls himself the "arch angel", the guy that wears a shirt made of cantelope rinds - I don't need to be confusing the "hands free" talkers for loonies as well. Please, lose the headset...please.

People that substitute the letter "k" for "c" in order to make their words seem "Kooler!" - I'm sick of this shit. Just because you call your product "Kontrol Kooler", doesn't mean that the gangsta masses are going to buy your shitty fruit drink. Minor "hippified" spelling changes doesn't mask the fact that it tastes worse than Burple. You see this shit all over the place, especially now that marketing firms have embraced graffiti and street culture as a viable way to sell their produkts (I mean products). STOP THE INSANITY! And by the way, this one goes out to Todd Sullivan - changing the word "cool" to "kewl" in your emails never made you kute, it only made you gay.

Mayonnaise - Nasty! Have you ever seen what happens to mayonnaise when it is exposed to air... it turns into an oily, yellow-brown, gelatinous mucous ball. And it's really good for you (Ingredients: SOYBEAN OIL, VINEGAR, EGG YOLKS, EGGS, CONTAINS LESS THAN 2% OF SALT, SUGAR, WATER, MUSTARD FLOUR, LIME JUICE CONCENTRATE, DRIED GARLIC, CALCIUM DISODIUM EDTA (TO PROTECT FLAVOR), DRIED ONIONS, PAPRIKA, NATURAL FLAVOR)... you might as well rub egg yolk all over your sandwich and then dip it in peanut oil between bites.

The Fact That I Don't Know Who Any of the Other Contributers on this Blog are - REAVEAL YOURSELF! Come on... the least you can do is write a little profile to show us who you are. For as much as I know "Ribs" could be Max or it could just as easily be Jeremy Miller (hopefully it's not though, because I really don't like that little shit). Think about it... is it really fair that everyone in cyberspace knows that "Pure Energy" masturbates to the pixelated cheerleaders from the Tecmo Bowl halftime but everyone else remains anonymous?