Let's Bring It Back To What This Blog Is All About - Porkin'!

Hey Pure Energy, I hope that you are not trying to pursue a political career... this is just the type of photo that you don't want dug up when the mudslingin' begins.
Really don't know what to say about this one... it could just be a staged picture of you trying to get some laughs by giving a concrete sow a reach around in front of some hash slangin',"country style",Cracker Barrel rip-off in suburban Wisconsin. Let's zoom in to see if that's his true intention...


Hmmmm... Kind of telling. I guess a picture is worth a 1000 words. I had been somewhat suspicious of Pure Energy's "Hawg" infatuation for some time, but even with this proof, I wouldn't... no couldn't believe it. So I did a little snooping on his computer and the evidence that I found is shocking! PIG PORN... and lots of it! I am completely in awe at the depth of his perversion:

What I first found I wasn't too concerned about. It was rather tame, somewhat classy pig spreads done in good taste. But what I saw next was shocking...











Pure Energy involved in some voyeristic "hawg" pornography...

Some sort of messed up S and M, fetishist, tatooed dirty, dirty photos...












Holy Hog Balls! I would have never suspected any male on male stuff... but every picture I found dove deeper and deeper into the perverted depths of Pure Energy's sick and twisted desires...

??????...










His perversion shows no boundries... Pig orgies!

The Shadow Knows...

Who is this mysterious White Shadow character who keeps comenting? Reveal yourself, dammit...cuz you obviously know us and should be doing some posting yourself (get me your email)! Gotta be one of Neumer's buddies...he recognized him from his Match.com photo.

Time to Stop Talkin'...and Start Rawkin'!!!

People, we are at a blog-o-meter 10 right now...keep up the good work.

While strolling through CD Warehouse yesterday, I got to thinking about how much "classic" music has been stuffed between the "A"nimals to Frank "Z"appa categories, never to be heard by a generation of new listeners due to the fact that people think it sucks (And I'm not talking about Britney Beers or Justin Timberlodge Steakhouse either; not only do they fail to bring the paper and scissors, they are also totally void of rock). A generation that will never hear the real first "Unplugged" show by Tesla or the foundation-shattering, gravity-defying thump of Bobby Dall's bass. A generation now lost in the traces of indie rock, crappy nu-metal, or Alanis Morissette regurgitations. A generation that is missing the true essential histroy of riffology...the fucking 80's! Most of these classics have been sadly subjugated to Moster Ballad or Monsters of Rock compilations, but then they lose their true form. Today I plan to electrify your souls, and bring you my Top 10 80's Albums That Time Forgot!

10. Steelheart - Tangled in Reins: Ok, this one might be a little obscure for the kiddies out there, but trust me, these guys go to fucking 11 when it comes to crankin' it. Now, some of you may know them from their brief hit off their first album, "I'll Never Let You Go," a total puss ballad by most standards, but this sophmore barnburner shreds riffs like a fucking Cuisinart. The pipes of Mike Matijevic rival any cathedral organ and the guitar "Solo"ing makes me feel like Mario Van Peebles (get it Neums?).
Download: song called "Steelheart" (no, seriously...do it!) and "Late for the Party" (which makes reference to a girl standing in a corner hungry for a bone...sweet! Also has some tizz-ite Framton-style voice-box axing)

9. Bulletboys- Bulletboys: Although MetalSludge refers to these guys having small to average penises, you wouldn't know if by the gigantic amout of rawk they bring to this explosion of an album (just look at the cover!). Chock full of sex-driven hits like, "Hard as a Rock," "Smooth Up In Ya," and "Crank Me Up," it's no wonder these guys were my poster-children for trying to get laid in high school (which, by the way, never works for fat kids). Recently, the band hooked up with metal god Sebastian Bach to record their new album, Sophie...and from what I hear, it is going to start a fucking music revolution. Take that, 50 Cent.
Download: "Smooth Up In Ya" and "Shoot the Preacher Down"

8. Britny Fox - Britny Fox: These guys are like Britsh answer to AC/DC, except I don't think they are actually British...but does it matter? FUCK NO...because any 4 dudes who can wear Amadeus outfits and go through a crate of Aqua Net for a photo shoot HAVE to throw down in the Land of Rawkdom. And look at that metal-face font...that shit just scream rawk pain like a semi truck hitched to your testicles. Classics like "Girlschool" and "Rock Revolution" are like Zeus throwing lighting bolts down to Earth and hitting you smack in the goddamn face! This album rocks so hard, you could crank the bass on your stereo and they would fucking hear it in China!
Download: "Girlschool" (of course) and "Long Way to Love" (for the tender-hearted lover in all of us)

7. White Lion - Pride: Ok, I might take a hitter on this one for that fucking lame-ass "When the Children Cry" video...Jesus, what are they running here, a Sally Struthers telethon? I mean, philanthropic causes and the art of rawking go together like Pure Energy and the female gender, but in their defense, the rest of the album (especially that song "Wait") tore me a new one like a skyscraper erupting up my colon! From the kick-off starter of "Hungry" blazing all the way through "Tell Me," you'll see why these fuckers are the real kings of jungle...of RAWK!
Download: "Wait," "Sweet Little Loving," and "When the Children Cry" (if you are gay)

6. Poison - Flesh & Blood: Holy balls...I've been waiting for this one! I really don't need to say much about this album except to quote, "Like gasoline you want to pump me, and leave me when you get your fill, yeah" from the song "Unskinny Bop." (Ok, I'm tearing up a little over here). To try to explain how much this album rawks would really take hours, and I have to start packing to move, but let's just say:

• Bret - I actually own the Playgirl he was in...and I loved the Pam Anderson video where he is constantly looking at himself in the camera...damn, he's hot,
• C.C. - Best riff and solo combo ever: Tie- "I Want Action" and "Talk Dirty To Me"...C.C. pick up that guitar and talk to me!"...Oh shit, I just creamed myself,
• Ricki - Is it just me, or does this guy look like an older Corey Feldman?...who beats the skins like an fucking Incan tribal leader, and
• Bobby - Again the quiet one with the bass player, but this guy's thump-thump on "Unskinny Bop" gets me so excited that it makes me want to punch llamas like Swartznegger in Conan the Barbarian (if anyone can find a picture of this, please post it)...

...make up the rockingest bunch of rawkers this side of the 'Sippi. Now everyone kneel before them!

Download: "Unskinny Bop," "Something to Believe In," and the awesome "Poor Boy Blues"

Ok, I've got to sign off for a few days here and finish my Top 5 later...I must move back in with my mom because I'm homeless and poor.

Just wanted to leave you all with a quick list of Shit I Don't Get:

Abdominal Machines - Ok, this shit doesn't work. I've tried 3 different kinds and my stomach still looks like soft-serve on a summer day in Puerto Rico. I give up...and I hate that Abs by Jake guy...he makes me feel like I'm less of a man every day. Now, get these fucking Doritos away from me.

Boob Tats - Christ Almighty...nothing says "bang me over a toilet in the girl's bathroom of a 7-11" better than these. I just don't understand. You know what that is going to look like when you are 50? Fucking ridiculous, that's what. Did we not learn anything from Silly Putty? But I still think scrot tats are way cool! I want to get one of Ernest Borgnine's face on my sac. Then do a sac show remake of "The Johnathan Silverman Show"...remember, he was the doorman? You don't? Well then, screw you.

Corn Mazes (or Maizes...hahahaha, well crafted, you sly devil!) - For some reason, I alway do these things at night and everyone abandons me. Yeah, hilarious right? I emerge hours later, bloody with stalk pieces and corn niblets stuck randomly all over my body after stumbling through maze walls. I hate you all.

Hot Blind Chicks - For years, scientists have tried to uncover the mystery of hot blindness...yet it remains unsolved. Sightings are rare, so if you see one, be sure to get a shot with your camera phone. And then trip her.

Ok, guys and gals...I'll be back on in a week or so, I'm on vacation and shit. Happy posting, bitches!

I Am The Arch Angel, Do Not Look Directly At Me For My Eyes Are Sensative!

Y'all gotta check this blog out, it's hilarious. It's a daily post of crazy shit that people hear on the streets of NYC. Some of my favorites:

Crazy: So I had to get fillings in all of my teeth.
Passenger: Uh huh.
Crazy: But I figured, why let them do that to me after they drilled holes in my brain, ya know?Passenger: Sure.
Crazy: But I figured, might as well! Although if they were going to fill my teeth, I'd want them to use jelly.
Passenger: Yep.
Crazy: But the guy at the counter said they were out of jelly. So I got a blueberry muffin.
--R Train
Overheard by: Johnny Shizzle

Homey #1: Yo, hold up...Jesus was a virgin?! He went from 12 to 33 with nothing?
Homey #2: Fuck that shit. He definitely got his dick sucked or buttfucked some bitches.
--L Train, 8th Avenue
Overheard by: Brian McCaffrey

Hobo: Hey, any of you fellas got a match?
Drunk guy: Yeah I got a match, my ass and your face!
Hobo: I hear ya.
--3rd Avenue and 9th Street

Yuppie: I don't think he's working now. All he ever talks about is monkeys and robots.
--Mayrose

Fratboy: A dude was walking around the dorm last night cradling a turd.
Chick: Eww! Like a real piece of poop?
Fratboy: Yeah, it was huge, really impresive.
Chick: Oh, that's cool then.
Fratboy: At first I thought it was an otter.
--53rd & 10th
Overheard by: Bob Konkel

Guy on cell: Where am I? I'm always some place watching some crazy shit. I'm watching some motherfuckin' Indian shit, son. Some shit from some country. They're doing a rain dance, son. It's gonna motherfuckin' rain soon. They're doing a motherfuckin' rain dance, son. They're dancing and shit.
--St. Mark's Church
Overheard by: Alex Romanovich

Girl #1: Yo, that girl is nasty. She blew her dog.
Girl #2: No, she didn't. She and her Mamas had sex with Duquan together.
Girl #1: No! Trick! That wasn't her. She blew a dog. I saw it.
Girl #2: She blew Noodles?
--Staten Island Ferry
Overheard by: Anna May M. Abris

Latina: ...and he looks evil and the Princess is saying to him, "You are a good person" and he looks so evil and then she is with Obi King Wasabi and he said he is on the dark side and then the shorty guy--what is his name?--Yoga said, "He is on the dark side" and then Dark Wader he is with the cape and looks all angry and evil reminded me of me on Mondays.
--58th & Lexington
Overheard by: Brandy Rowell

And here's my #1 favorite overheard quote:

Hobo: Does anybody on this bus have change for 36 nickels?
--M60 bus
Overheard by: Oz Skinner

Picture Pages, Picture Pages!

Before I get to my super awesome critique of essential 80's albums (including Bulletboys, Britney Foxx, and of course, Saigon Kick), I thought I'd post some classic moments from past history...in no particular order

Trekker after a shroomsac













Oh I get it! Foursome! Hahahaha!



















ribs pulling his Mick Jagger at the condo













Where has this assmunch been?













White Hat night....sweet!














Red Sock night...sweeter!






Pimposity Pooce Package!

Old Man Zanders

"Full House is on?!"
























Unbearable

And for those about to ROCK... We Salute You!

Fury... If we're gonna talk about brawls between rockers, then I think we've found a winner. How are you gonna leave out Milwaukee's own neo-hair band group "Cherry Pie". These fuckers fuckin' rock. You should have seen them burn up the fuckin' stage at The Dry Bean Saloon in Verona or Graftondaze (quick aside - the whole "daze" thing when attached to local festivals peeves me almost as much as the "K" for "C" exchange). They sang "Once Bitten, Twice Shy" almost better than Jack Russell did at the imfamous show at The Station in Rhode Island. Not only that... these guys pull in the ladies like a semi-annual Victoria Secret sale. Check out their bio... if you're into them I might be able to hook up a backstage pass at Wisconsin State Fair. Catch them Sept. 10th @ "Insanechoppers" in Muskego, they're sure to fuckin' melt the soundboard... and maybe, just maybe, they'll throw in a little Siagon Kick in remembrance of the WTC bombings. God Bless America... and God Bless Rock!

"Worst Picture of Yourself" Contest

All Right...let's see 'em! I either want to see it posted on the blog or next to your name...thus far, I'm winning with Trekker coming in at a close second.

The Art of Rebellion

Went to a panel discussion the other day on Street Art. It's pretty amazing what some of these artists do. Here's a link to Wooster Collective, a website that documents Street Art worldwide. Also including another link to Banksy. This guy's work is incredible and the pranks that he pulls are pretty hilarious too. Check out the "Clippings" section to see the art that he's hung in prestigious museums worldwide.

Tard Alert - Code Red

Jesus, is this the fucking Special Olympics of posting? I mean really...either Pure Energy is writing this shit at 4:00 in the a.m. and is really tired, is watching too many episodes of "Everybody Loves Raymond," or typing with his feet cuz he's too busy jerking off to Dakota Fanning.


Look, I'm starting to think the reason people aren't posting is because they are going to have to get rained on by the ugly shitstorm brought on by Captain Bringdown over there. I say we get back to the love and the reason we are all here: To discuss who would win in a brawl between Trixter and Firehouse!



VS.

Up later on today: Reviews of Awesome 80's Albums that Time Forgot!

(I would also like to throw some celebration mayonnaise at Trekker for his insightful blogging)

Things That Piss Me Off

The Fact that Spencer didn't include Carrot Top, Bruce Vilanch or Joan Rivers in his Top 10 Ugliest - Duders, let's face it... you dropped the ball. The 1st half of the list was looking good, eg. Trolly McTrollerson, but the 2nd half was 100% Weak Sauce. How in the blazes could you have left out Carrot Top. This freak is the future of comedy? He looks like a coked out Lil' Orphan Annie with a botched nose job. Seriously, I would rather watch my parents have sex than sit through a Carrot Top show. You guys gotta be with me on this one.

Bruce Vilanch - Spencer... this one is a no brainer! I mean, you basically could have chosen 7 of the top ten ugliest straight from the Hollywood Squares roster - Shadoe Stevens, Bobcat Goldwait, Roseanne, Rosie O'Donnell, Gilbert Godfried. This show is loaded with falling "stars" on their way down, stuck between semi-fame and doing autograph sessions at Hardees grand openings. Look at this guy, is he famous for anything besides being "Bruce Vilanch for the block". He looks like the like the love child of a botox-binged Melanie Griffith and Captain Caveman.

Joan Rivers - Man... I think that it is pretty much common knowledge that women that are 138 should not look like this. She's been in the entertainment industry since before there were talkies, she shouldn't still be alive. She's gotta be part android. Could be, because this picture it doesn't even look like she has eyes. It's bad enough that she looks like a sibling of Cat Man but what's worse is the fact that in Nevada there is a legion of men that make a living doing impressions of her. We live in a sick, sick world.


Blue Tooth Cellphone Headsets - I don't know if this phenomenon has hit your hometown yet but it sure is the hot shit in New York. An earpiece the size of a raisin that wirelessly connects to your cellphone... and makes it virtually impossible to see that you are actually on your phone. Everyday I run into about 8 people talking to themselves, flailing their arms about and walking in circles. About half of these people are truely insane, the other half are talking on their fucking awesome wireless headsets. Walking around shouting about how "Marva is such a bitch for eating my leftovers (actual conversation I overheard)" and throwing around hand gestures like a ninja doesn't make you look cool, it makes you look insane. Maybe it's just me, but I don't think that it is worth paying $200 to have people confuse you with the neighborhood crazy that eats shit. When I walk down the street here I already have enough crazy people that I run into - The guy that sits against my building and pees down his left pant leg, the Mexican guy with the mullet that wears a superhero mask that covers his eyes and calls himself the "arch angel", the guy that wears a shirt made of cantelope rinds - I don't need to be confusing the "hands free" talkers for loonies as well. Please, lose the headset...please.

People that substitute the letter "k" for "c" in order to make their words seem "Kooler!" - I'm sick of this shit. Just because you call your product "Kontrol Kooler", doesn't mean that the gangsta masses are going to buy your shitty fruit drink. Minor "hippified" spelling changes doesn't mask the fact that it tastes worse than Burple. You see this shit all over the place, especially now that marketing firms have embraced graffiti and street culture as a viable way to sell their produkts (I mean products). STOP THE INSANITY! And by the way, this one goes out to Todd Sullivan - changing the word "cool" to "kewl" in your emails never made you kute, it only made you gay.

Mayonnaise - Nasty! Have you ever seen what happens to mayonnaise when it is exposed to air... it turns into an oily, yellow-brown, gelatinous mucous ball. And it's really good for you (Ingredients: SOYBEAN OIL, VINEGAR, EGG YOLKS, EGGS, CONTAINS LESS THAN 2% OF SALT, SUGAR, WATER, MUSTARD FLOUR, LIME JUICE CONCENTRATE, DRIED GARLIC, CALCIUM DISODIUM EDTA (TO PROTECT FLAVOR), DRIED ONIONS, PAPRIKA, NATURAL FLAVOR)... you might as well rub egg yolk all over your sandwich and then dip it in peanut oil between bites.

The Fact That I Don't Know Who Any of the Other Contributers on this Blog are - REAVEAL YOURSELF! Come on... the least you can do is write a little profile to show us who you are. For as much as I know "Ribs" could be Max or it could just as easily be Jeremy Miller (hopefully it's not though, because I really don't like that little shit). Think about it... is it really fair that everyone in cyberspace knows that "Pure Energy" masturbates to the pixelated cheerleaders from the Tecmo Bowl halftime but everyone else remains anonymous?

Tickle my Balls

Now that Ihat I have your attention...please join Pure Energy and I as we continue our crusade against goodness and decency in our other favorite forum...fantasy football. I know many of you already got the email, but this group is like dealing with a bunch of 6-year-olds, so I'll remind you again.

Holy nutters...looks like Brett had to bring a sack lunch to work today. Good lord, that guy is such a douch bag!

http://football.fantasysports.yahoo.com/f1/register/joinprivateleague

ID# 243047
password: winter1

It's really just that easy!

My Stinky Sense is Tingling...

God, you are retarded, PE. I had to take 2 No-Doze and donkey-punch just to stay awake through your last bit of floetry. Look, if we wanted a poor-man's David Foster Wallace phoning in posts about Musak, we would've asked Chuck Klosterman. Or John Gilge (I wonder why he hasn't he joined us yet? Max, get on your DPS duty!). Lay off the Silver Wolf and diet Mountain Dew for a night and then get back to me.

But hey, I hear they are looking for writers for "Baby Geniuses 3," so don't beat yourself up too much.

Today I Learned A Lot of Things:

Like who Omega Doom is...only Shawn could write a post that sucked worse than a Hoover attachment on the ballsac. Stop taking notes from other people who are funnier than you and get back to what you know best...being my chauffeur. Talk about lazy, your shit was more recycled than my mastrubatory tube sock on a Friday night at bar time. Hurry and get a notpad, I think Larry the Cable Guy is on Comedy Central doing stand-up right now, dude!

Like how people are lame for not posting already...ok group, this ain't no peep show! Stop touching and start typing! Introduce yourself with something really funny...Omega Doom can help if you can't think of anything.

Like how Pure Energy is wrong about the Swankers...I think Michael Jackson used one of her cheekbones for the knife fight in "Beat It"

Now, stop bugging me, I have to get to church. It's Sunday, for J-Christ's sake!

You had me at "the bass player for the Goo Goo Dolls"

I can sum up Bind Fury's posting of the top five ugliest with two words, Weak Sauce. Unfotunately I under estimated the speed and accuracy of Pure Energy and the Weak Sauce Oversite Committee.

Come on Blind Fury, Lili Talyor.

Yeah she can't act but she is not that bad. Here is the three that should have made the top ten but were omitted by Blind Fury's lazy ass.

(in no particluar order)



A.J. Mclean- Come on Blind Fury, I can't believe you let
this one go. At least Lance Bass has sweet Joey Fatone to
cuddle up to at night. What does this guy got? Another
question was he the shy one or the funny one?



Cameron Crowe- At least we know where
they got the ruff idea of what Tom Cruise
would look like after a terrible car accident.






Laura Dern- At least they kind of fix Helen Hunt's
awkwardness with good lighting and good supporting
actors. But there is something about Mrs. Dern that is
completely unsettling, I wonder how Ben Harper feels?





And of course my favorite
dumbasses.

Top 5 Ugliest (and Most Annoying)

Ok, before I can post my opposing views about "Alone in the Dark" (Really the worst movie ever made was "I Spit On Your Grave"), I must first finish with my Top 5.

5. Helen Hunt - After her stint on that terrible tv show "Mad About You" (co-starring Paul Reiser, who I also hate, but shit, he WAS in "Aliens"), Helen decided to try her hand at feature films. Classics such as "Dr. T and the Women," "Twister," and "Pay it Forward" all showed her true acting ability: The same exact horrible, dull character she played on "Mad About You"...go figure. Not only is she a terrible actress, her forhead can be used as table to feed a family of six. Nothing makes me shudder more than to think that there are actually fake nudes of her on the internet...ugh! Why do you torture me internet...WHY!!!!!! Quick, I need a nudie of Alyssa Milano before corneas fall out!

4. Hilary Swank - Oh boy, here's another winner. Not only did she fall from the ugly tree, she proceeded to cut it down with her gigantic beaver teeth. Poor Chad Lowe, first he has to deal with that fact that his brother is way more successful than him, and now he has to wake up next to this man-beast everyday. How does someone who starred as a comedy prop to the hilarious Steve Sanders on "90210" become a multi-Oscar winner? Beats the fuck out of me. I mean "Boys Don't Cry" was a total rip-off of that that other funny cross-dressing movie "Just One of the Guys"...and that one had boobies!

3. Marc Anthony - Grotesque. He's like a poor-man's Steve Buscemi. Who would've thought that J. Lo would go from Benifer to this stooge? He looks like he just crawled out of some ore mine in Mexico and hasn't eaten in weeks. I just recently had to suffer through "Man on Fire," where he has his shirt off through half the movie and Good Lord, it was disgusting. This guy literally has NO ass, which I guess then equals out with J. Lo boot-iserie, so they must be a good match. Eat a sandwich or something, dillweed. And those glasses look ridiculous on you, hasn't anyone ever told you that...you look like Thelma from Scooby-Doo. You need to hire a new PR person immediately...is it just me or does this guy constantly look like a bobblehead?

2. Match.com Guys - Holy Fucking Balls! I thought the selection of woman was bad! I mean, C'MON, dudes. Get out of your parent's basement, take a shower, and make yourself presentable. Ok, first guy (is that you, Neums?)...looks like he could be a chummy fellow...and he also looks like he would hold you hostage at gunpoint and shove Pez dispensers up your ass. I hear that movie "Leprechaun Part 8" is looking for some stunt doubles...Next guy: Ok, unibrow, you gotta shave that shit. No respecting girl gets all wet from the sight of a black catepillar running across your forehead. And stop with the tanning booths...Jesus! Last dude: What the fuck are you, a mongoloid from the 16th century? I said look at me! Look at me, damn it!!!! I've got nothing...except the deep desire to pose as some girl on Match who is seemingly interested in him, only to have him find out it was a joke and then kill himself. Now that would be awesome!!!

And now for #1

1. Lili Taylor - Ok, this right is only reserved for the absolute ugliest person in the world (and most annoying). Lili Taylor is a looks like she was given birth by one of those characters from "Dark Crystal" who was impregnated by Wilford Brimley. This girl is straight up Quaker Oats granola in every movies she's been in...and I CAN NOT stand her. The worst had to be for me her character on "Six Feet Under," ("Nate, can you go to Whole Foods for me?") where her character as Lisa had me this close to putting a razor to the wrist (I'm showing a few inches with my index finger and thumb). Finally she bit it on the show, but I still had to endure one more horrible extravagana - the movie "The Haunted"...Now for those of you who have not seen it, consider yourselves lucky by no stretch of the imagination. Half the movie she walks around possessed by something, garbling, "I must save the children...I gotta save the children" ...I...can...say...no...more...memory...to...painful. It's just horrible and I don't want to talk about it anymore. And Lili, I never want to see you in anything ever again, capiche?

Sorry, sorta ran out of steam there at the end...my brain is fried like a crispy McNugget. But I would love to hear comments or contributions regarding other ugly people. My next list: Shit I Just Don't Get, like boob tatoos and corn mazes.